I am literally writing this from a cabana on the beach in Hawaii drinking POG juice. However, one of my curses/blessings is that I have a mind that never stops. It keeps thinking and formulating and worrying even when I AM sitting on the beach in Hawaii. Taylor and I had a discussion this trip regarding why I always ask him if “he’s okay”. I never noticed it before but it’s honestly so true. I worry about whether or not he’s okay, my family’s okay, my loved ones are okay multiple times on a daily basis. Taylor gets frustrated, my family gets annoyed, but I still continue to ask. ‘Why is this?’ I think in my overactive brain. Other than the fact that I suffer from Anxiety, and therefore suffer from an achingly stifling urge to worry all the time, there has to be a deeper reason.
It’s funny because whenever I read, watch, or hear about an individual making a grossly inaccurate assumption or wrong decision, I ALWAYS think about the deeper motivation fueling the action. I never take anything at surface level, or retaliate against wrongs done to me based on how society/the outside perceives that human being. There is always a back story, and a lot of times that back story is the intrinsic motivator in their heinous or dubious crimes, however small they are. For example, in the past I have mentally judged other girls harshly and this stems from being made fun of/bullied myself and therefore harboring insecurities and low self-esteem. My bullies, who all happened to be boys, poisoned my innocent self-confidence and created a hard shell to protect my heart. I would have to worry about conforming to “societal ideals”, or in reality, stupid boys’ ideals, in order to guard myself from harm again. This now intrinsically motivates all of my actions and is heavily intensified by my Depression and Anxiety. I am greatly improved today but still continue to remedy this in any way I can.
This brings me back to the earlier predicament of why I continue to vocalize my concern for my loved ones even though I am reassured multiple times. To me, it stems from my overactive mind coupled with my Depression. My Depression causes me to not feel ‘okay’ at different times of the day for various reasons and I project this same mental and behavioral action onto those around me. If it’s still impossible for me to go a day without not feeling low, how can anyone else who isn’t suffering do it? I automatically assume that they are not ‘okay’ based on my tendencies and experiences. This fuels my “Are you okay?” fire and causes my overactive mind to go bonkers. Yes, I just said bonkers to describe my own mind. It should be acceptable too!!!! Sometimes my Depression and Anxiety makes me feel like I’m going crazy, if not already arrived there, and I can’t help it! So damn it, I’m putting it out there instead of trying to mask it like in the past. I might feel it, but I know inside that I am not.
Don’t ever surround yourself with negative vibes or individuals who tell you that you are going insane. Even if your Depression and Anxiety makes you feel that way, you aren’t. Even if those individuals don’t feel what you feel, it is still valid and true. Even if your loved ones tell you to ‘cheer up’ or ‘don’t let it bother you’ or ‘it’s all in your head’, continue to do what gets you through the day and ignore it. Continue to feel crazy, sad, ignored, not loved because deep down, even if you can’t control feeling it, you know it’s not true. And honestly, feeling SOMETHING is better than feeling truly numb from deep deep Depression. Feeling anything, good or bad, is a sign of improvement, so hold on, ride the wave, and let it flow in one side of your body and out the other. Know that it won’t last forever and slowly those negative feelings will start to dissipate and make way for positive ones.