This morning I went to Whole Foods to get a veggie juice to start my day, and after I came out, I sat in my car for a little listening to my new music and drinking my juice. I look to my left and see the woman in the SUV next to me chattering happily to her mother, I'm guessing, through the Bluetooth in her car. She knew that she was in plain view to me through her non-tinted front windows, yet she gave me the feeling that she was so utterly uninhibited by anything else because she was in a comfort zone. I look to my right and see an elderly couple sitting in their car eating their buffet-style breakfasts out of those fantastic recycled cardboard to-go boxes that Whole Foods does. The woman was in the driver seat busily chomping on her eggs as her husband explained something to her in a very animated fashion. They would stop eating once in a while to laugh or exchange words and then go back to their food, almost as if they were just eating in their pajamas at their kitchen table. After becoming aware of my left and right, I realized that I, too, was utterly content sitting in my lavender-scented hybrid, slurping my carrot-orange-ginger as if it were a milkshake.
'Why is this?' I thought. 'What is it about our cars that create this intense sense of privacy that allows us to put down our guards and act as if no one was watching?'
I thought back to all of the memories I've had in my cars over the years and slowly felt my ears become hot with embarrassment. I've definitely sobbed uncontrollably, sang at the top of my lungs, and picked the blueberry muffin crumbs from out of my cleavage in my car. Ive had breakups, makeups, and numerous open-mouthed snore fests in my cars. My cars have acted as my personal space when I had none, my personal therapist when I couldn't get my feelings out to anyone else, and the witness to some of my life's most intimate moments. I realized that our cars act as our physically present personal bubble. I imagine my little hybrid as a real life, gigantic bubble, with the secrets I've told it floating inside on an invisible tide.
A person with Depression and Anxiety desperately needs this. This inanimate object who will hold all of their untold and told secrets for them with quiet loyalty until they are ready to let them out. Eventually you get to a point where you know these private thoughts can't stay to yourself, you need to tell a real someone before they burst out violently. But until that point, your personal bubble protects you and urges you to do the healthy thing without even uttering a word. I've luckily gotten to a point where my personal bubble doesn't hold many untold thoughts anymore, as I am very bad at keeping secrets. Whoops, sorry friends.
Recently, as in the past few days, our family doggie hasn't been doing well health-wise. Demi is so imbedded in our family and we honestly can't even imagine a day without her. She is the sweetest, kindest, gentlest little soul you will ever meet and deserves a long healthy life. Unfortunately, sometimes the universe has a different plan. She still remains in the pet hospital and has been there since Valentine's Day. Last night, we thought we were going to have to make the toughest decision that any pet-owner has to make so I rushed home from the condo in El Segundo. 2 hours of dead-stop traffic and nonstop rain later, my car was swirling with a tide of painful and joyous thoughts and memories. My personal bubble was overloaded and dealing with every thought that I released there was too hard to bear. In this case, I'm happy that I was able to think and cry and remember everything without having to actually speak the words.
Describing your Depression is impossible. It is a mix of contradictions and exclamations that don't even make sense to you.
I hate change but I become restless when there is none.
I hate the dark but sometimes it is the feeling I crave the most.
I hate breaking tradition but strive towards breaking them at the same time.
I am happy, I am sad, I am irate for no apparent reason. I am difficult, I am go-with-the-flow, I am flaky, I am the friend that will be there at times of crisis. I am introverted, I am annoyingly outgoing, I am a girl afraid of everything, I am a woman who stands down to no one. My life is full of confusing realities and sometimes the only place where I can figure it all out is in my personal space, my personal bubble.
I'm happy to have that place and feel that everyone, Depressed or not, should too. Sometimes you just need to talk and know that no one is listening, that only your personal bubble will know right then in that moment. But either way, purging it from your body and into the void helps you deal with it and mull it over by yourself. The world is crazy, YOUR world is crazy, so be sure to let it out in some way and know that the person, place, or thing that holds the key will always love you for your open honesty.
Keep Your Heads Up My Loves.
P.S. All of these photos were taken on a recent road trip that Taylor and I took for Valentine's Day.